I look out into the night sky.
It is vast. Apparently infinite.
I can find no end. No boundary.
~~~ * ——- * ~~~
I look “inward”.
When I look inwardly with honesty, all I find is ignorance.
Or, put another way, a lack of knowledge of the truth of things.
Meaning, that star that I think I know about because I have a word for it, a concept for it…I have no fucking clue what that is. What is it? What is its source? Where is it?
*** ^^^^^^^^^^^ ***
All I have are words. Concepts. But even those words and concepts are empty of solidity. I don’t even know what those are. What is a word? What is a concept? What are their natures? What are their sources? Where are they?
Vast, infinite ignorance. Vast, infinite lack of knowledge.
No findable boundary to the ignorance.
No findable boundary between the inward vastness and the outward vastness.
And that’s not reassuring. That’s not comforting. That’s not something to aspire to. It’s not the bliss you think you’ve been told about.
Where did I think I could rest?
What would be resting?
YOU AREN”T GOING TO WIN!
I HAVEN”T WON!
Yes, I’m shouting.
Stop looking for the winner.
The winners are lying to you.
What did they win? They are the same vast ignorance.
They don’t know anything worth knowing. Especially if they are claiming that they know something.
Just for a second.
Look at the stars.
If you can’t look at the stars, look “inward”.
Same infinite ignorance. Same infinite vastness. Same infinite terror. Same infinite indifference.
Where’s the finish line? Where is here? And how do you measure the distance between these two imaginary locations to determine how far you have to travel to win?
You can’t win.
Life isn’t a contest.
But if it were, you’d be losing.
What a relief.
That relief can’t be had. It’s not mine. I don’t possess it. And neither can you.
It’s totally ungraspable.
If you think you can have it, you’ll lose.
If you think you can understand this, you’ll lose.
And you can’t help but think you can have it and understand this. You are destined to lose.
It’s worth repeating: we can’t win.
It’s worth repeating – for myself because of my thickheadedness: the relief is ungraspable.
But I will keep grasping. We will keep grasping.
The relief is already the case. Untouched by the grasping.
The grasping does not harm this vast, infinite, unbounded terror/ignorance/indifference.
And, by the way: I’m almost certain to be utterly wrong about all of this.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.