last year

Burnout, Violence, and Love

I have this crazy desire. It is the desire for freedom.

I don’t desire freedom in the future. That’s just a wish – a casual sort of interest.

This is a burning desire. And it cannot be fulfilled in the future. It can only be met now. It is urgent. It is utterly impatient.

When I call it crazy, I mean that it defies the mind. The mind claims so many limitations. But this desire doesn’t care. It pushes me over the edge now, now, now…always now.

It is insatiable.

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The idea of freedom is nice and friendly.

The reality is raw and chaotic.

For the past several weeks I’ve had a kind of “writer’s block”. But on a slightly larger scale. Because I can’t seem to do anything that I don’t love doing.

I think the popular term for this is “burnout”.

I’m burned out.

I pushed and pushed and pushed myself. It was the only way I knew how to do life.

Even though I knew better. Even though I knew life didn’t need me to do life.

The arrogance, eh?

But that’s how I was conditioned. And I was afraid to let go of that.

So thank goodness for this burning desire. Because it burned me out.

I don’t need to let go. I can’t hold on.

Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

To push myself to do life is violence. It is a war against myself. A war against life.

When I am burned out, I have a choice: continue to push and do violence or choose love.

In the midst of the struggle – I can lay down my weapons and discover freedom/love.

The more I lay down my weapons, the more I discover of freedom/love.

The more my heart is broken open, the simpler I become., the less burden I carry.

It is terrifying to be unarmed. But it is hell to work so hard to deny the ever-presence of love.


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