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What does it mean to be truly happy? In my opinion true happiness is unconditional happiness. True happiness doesn’t depend on what I see in the mirror or how my clothes fit me. True happiness doesn’t depend on what I’ve eaten or how pure and perfect that food is. True happiness doesn’t depend on how morally and spiritually perfect I am (according to my own ideas of what that even means.) I’m not suggesting that this (true happiness) is the easiest thing to achieve, but I am suggesting that it is a worthy thing…much more so than happiness that depends on what the scale says or how my body matches some ideal that I’ve formulated in my mind based on media images and what I’ve read in books and my idea that people would like me more if I was more [insert your own idea of a desirable physical attribute] Much more than happiness that depends on being perfect and worthy.
I spent 20 years hating my body, being at war with my body, and determined to make my body fit my ideal image. Incidentally, those were 20 years of anxiety, obsession, and compulsion that eventually led to extreme sickness. If only my body would just admit defeat and finally shape itself according to my will I knew that all would be well. Except that it just doesn’t work that way. Hate doesn’t seem to yield happiness. It breeds misery and suffering. It took a long time, but eventually I realized that I am not separate from my body. This is the elusively obvious truth that was staring me in the face all the while. And so as I warred with my body I was really warring with myself. I was hurting myself. All the anxiety and sickness was the result of my war.
The crazy thing about this type of obsessive way of being that I lived is that it became a self-reinforcing loop. It started out as an obsession over my body, which led to an obsession over food and exercise. But the consequences of starvation and over-exercise and chronic stress are things like more stress, anxiety, fear, paranoia, and generalized obsessions with compulsions to boot. And for me all of that started to take on moral and spiritual overtones. I started to seek answers in philosophy and spirituality – things which I would then distort to serve my sick perceptions. I would meditate for hours followed by chanting and prayer. I would view insomnia and digestive problems as spiritual problems to be solved by greater purity and moral uprightness.
But for 20 years I was starving myself. I was denying myself basic necessities – nutrients and energy. My problems weren’t spiritual. My problems were dietary. I just needed to eat. Well, to be fair, I needed to eat and I also needed to relax. Mostly I needed to do both at the same time.
I feared so many foods at different times over the years. I feared sugar, refined grain, grain in general, meat, dairy, starches, vegetables, beans, fat, polyunsaturated fat, and probably even more if I cared to think about it any longer. I would obsess for hours and days over things that I had eaten or even things I hadn’t eaten. But what is amazing to me is that when my rules would change then I could eat something without any worry even though it had previously been a cause for stress. For example, I was fearful of meat for well over a decade, during which time I couldn’t even think about touching meat without being stressed. But once I gave myself permission it was no problem. I swore off all forms of concentrated sugar for many, many years, but then once I gave myself permission to eat it again it wasn’t a problem at all. So my realization with regard to all this was that the foods themselves were not a problem. It was only my attitude that was the problem. I was making myself miserable with my attitude.
So I started eating. I made a choice to acknowledge that my strategies had not only failed, but they were the very problem itself. So I decided to stop using the same old strategies or variations on them. Instead, I decided to listen to my body and my real needs. I ate what I wanted, and I ate often and a lot. I threw out the rules. My only guideline was to eat as much as I could using my desires as a way to determine what to eat. I did have goals to keep me honest – aiming to eat 3500 calories a day at least. But I didn’t stress about it. I didn’t look at the situation as one to win or lose. Rather, I chose to see it as life, a process, an adventure. And I started to feel better.
Therefore, in any restrictive eating situation I believe that one of the most important things a person can do is to eat. Eating enough (which is WAY more than you think) helps with so much – energy, mood, sleep, and more. But just eating is a difficult thing to do without also addressing the coincident obsessive tendencies that have gotten hardwired after living with an eating disorder.
So what I have come to believe is that true happiness is the natural result of a conscious choice to disregard obsession. True happiness is not something to attain as much as it is what is already present – what becomes clearer the more one chooses to ignore obsession. By following this advice – to turn away from obsession and instead discover true happiness – I found that I was able to eat more, experience faster recovery, and enjoy life for the first time in years. I stopped worrying about perfection, purity, and spiritual enlightenment because I was actually nourished and naturally felt good!
I have written about this elsewhere on this site, but it is worth mentioning again because I find it to be so powerful: I have found (and others have reported to me that they also find this to be true) that mental tension and anxiety are secondary to physical tension, and it is impossible to be anxious or obsessive when physically relaxed. My own experience of all those years of obsessiveness and anxiety is that I was usually struggling with my thoughts and obsessions…unsuccessfully. What I finally realized was that no amount of struggling with obsession will lead to a way out of the obsession. It is like a Gordian knot – the more you struggle with it the worse it becomes. So I started looking for a different approach.
What I asked myself was this: how did I know I was anxious? How did I know I had a problem? The answer? I knew it because I felt it. I felt it physically. I felt tense. So instead of obsessing and getting tangled up in thought and worry, I decided to ignore that and focus instead on the physical sensation. I noticed that I could find all the places in my body where I was tense and I could physically relax those areas, one at a time. At first, because I was in the habit of being tense, I could only relax a muscle for a split-second. So I’d have to consciously relax it again. But eventually I started to notice that I just started to be more relaxed. This practice, simple as it is, has been the most powerful force for healing in my life. It has helped me to effortlessly integrate all the wisdom I have learned throughout my life. This simple practice has helped me to rediscover happiness, peace, and laughter! I am so much more easy going now than when I was super uptight and focused on obsessions. Eating is easy and pleasurable. And things just keep getting better. Sure, I still get upset. Sure, I have my problems. But this simple practice has dramatically improved my life like nothing else.
I’ve just published an interview with Matt Stone in the Interviews section. Check it out! I am very pleased with how the interview turned out. Matt was very gracious to agree to the interview, and his responses really far exceeded my expectations. I have a great deal of respect for Matt’s transparency, honesty, and humility…not to mention the wisdom he has gained with regard to metabolism and health.