I can talk all kinds of fancy talk. I can know all the right answers. I can understand so many things…
And yet it does me no good at all.
In fact, my actions – the talk, the turning to answers, the dependence upon understanding – reveal where my loyalty really lies.
If I consult my mind, I am revealing that my loyalty is with the past, with self-defense, with fear, with arrogance.
And what will I get as a result? I will be rewarded richly by all that the conditioned mind has to offer. All the destruction, venom, hatred, pity, misery, defiance, righteousness, piousness, and so forth.
Now is the time for radical honesty. That is, if what I TRULY want is freedom. Which it is! I truly want freedom. So I must bring by actions into alignment with that true desire.
To bring my actions into alignment with that true desire requires first and foremost, radical honesty.
And that is the long and the short of it.
Step one is radical honesty. And there is no second step.
Radical honesty requires actually looking for myself truthfully right now.
Looking right now at the truth of what is right now.
Not blanking out. Not creating a new and more desirable state. Not seeking.
But actually looking honestly. And seeing the unthinkable pain and horror that my efforts generate.
That is radical honesty. But again, I have to actually look now and see this now. I can’t fall back on memory of having seen it in the past.
I have to look now.
I have to see how I am trying to defend myself right now. I have to see how I am trying to prop myself up right now. I have to see how I am trying to be right, right now.
If I think that none of these unpalatable things are true, I am lying to myself. I am narcotizing myself with lies.
Radical honesty is to see what is really happening. And that means seeing that all I conceive of myself as is lies and misery.
Everything I habitually do is lies and misery. I dress it up as being a promise of future salvation. I dress it up as hope. I dress it up and being right. I dress it up as progress. I dress it up…
But the deeper truth, the REAL truth is that all those actions produce misery now. They are all lies. They all rest upon the false notion that despite my complete failures to attain lasting happiness, I will succeed at some point in the future.
It is a lie! I must see it as such if I am sincere about freedom.
So my actions reveal my true loyalty. And if I am sincere in my loyalty to freedom, I can only demonstrate that by way of radical honesty.
Again, that radical honesty is the first and only step. There is no step two.
Radical honesty happens now. It means watching every compulsive behavior. Every compulsive turning to thought. Every compulsive grasping at promises. Every compulsive hope. Every compulsive attempt to fix, get rid of, get, solve, etc.
This sounds awful to my conditioned mind.
My conditioned mind thinks this is the stupidest idea ever. It thinks it knows better.
My conditioned mind – despite its utter failure to succeed in the only thing that truly matters – continues to lie and lie and lie. It says, “Sure, I failed all those other times, but THIS time I’m going to succeed. And anyway, my way is the only way there is!”
I’ve been led down that dark alleyway and mugged a million times. Will I do it again? Will I remain loyal to my mugger just because it claims that this time will be diffrent?
Or will I finally get an ounce of true intelligence and remain still?
The false self, the conditioned mind, wants to answer this question. It wants to think about it. It wants to imagine.
But I choose to remain with the question. Open. Unanswered. Alive.
My loyalty is with Truth only when I remain with it no matter what.