3 weeks ago

Shit Happens

No matter what, it seems that I want an escape.

No, scratch that. I think I want an escape.

But I don’t really want an escape. And that is the great joke that I appear to be eternally laughing at/with/as.

Every time I see the absurdity of thinking that I want an escape, I find myself in/as this eternal laughter.

Because it’s funny. Not because it does anything for me. Not because it alleviates the horrors that happen.

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Because shit happens. And the shit hits the fan. Frequently. Daily. Hourly. A lot.

The lie is that the shit shouldn’t hit the fan.

The lie goes on to suggest – very compellingly – that the shit hitting the fan is proof that I need to work on this mess. I need to do something. I need to fix it, fix myself, get it all under control.

Which leads me to think that I want an escape.

Because deep down, I always know that I cannot get it all under control. I mean, come on! It’s absurd! I’m going to get it all under control? Really?

Including hurricanes? And tornadoes? And earthquakes?

Hell, I can’t even get my own kids under control. I can’t even get my own feelings under control! And I think I stand a chance of getting it all under control?

I’m not fooling anybody. Least of all myself. Which is why this knowledge of reality generates this ongoing anxiety. It’s jabbing its elbows into my ribs, whispering, “you’re a failure.”

Which I think I need to escape. Because that seems scary and unpleasant.

Nightmarish, to tell the truth.

But here’s the miracle: I’ve got it all upside down and inside out.

And in an instant. Right now.

*poof*

Clarity.

Not understanding. Not the meaning of the universe. Not God speaking to me in English sentences.

Just clarity. Clarity of the situation. Which is a mess. Which is nightmarish. Which is the shit hitting the fan.

So this clarity doesn’t negate that.

It is not an escape.

But it reveals that I had it all wrong. The nightmare may still be a nightmare. But it’s a nightmare. That’s all.

That doesn’t change the nightmare. At least not necessarily.

And if I think it needs to change the nightmare, I’ve got it all upside down and inside out once again.

I haven’t achieved the state I thought I needed to achieve.

I haven’t transcended the mess I thought I needed to transcend.

I haven’t become what I thought I needed to become.

That is really good news.

It is available right now.

Why wait?

Stop for just a moment. Stop believing your foolish insistence that this shouldn’t be just as it is.

joeylott

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