last year

The Danger of Being Myself

I’ve heard people speak of “being yourself”.

I thought it was something to aspire to. I thought that someday, once I figured everything out and was perfect, then I’d get to be myself.

As if being myself was a reward for being good enough.

As if myself is some static object.

I first saw the falseness of this years ago. I thought at that time that I had “woken up” to my “true self” through this seeing.

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Yet it’s such a seductive idea that I am amazed at how it continues to hypnotize me.

But that hypnosis – though it promises ease and painlessness – turns out to be a kind of suffering.

I started writing and blogging a few years ago with the intention of shining a light on that suffering, revealing it for what it is.

Despite the fact that I’ve done my best to proclaim my imperfection and utter lack of attainment of anything, I slowly built up in my own mind the idea that I had an image to protect. The image of the one who woke up through this seeing.

Which is nonsense. And suffering. And unnecessary.

What I want so much to share is that it is okay for us each to be ourselves…as we are right now.

Not that we have to become ourselves. Or maintain ourselves.

Or that ourselves need to be nice or good or smart or right or true or authentic or anything.

And not that we need to take pride in ourselves or defend ourselves as right.

Just that it is okay to actually love ourselves unconditionally.

But I guess the truth is, I don’t know that is true for you. I just know it is true for me right now.

I get to love myself unconditionally. And I get to love you unconditionally. I get to love unconditionally.

Which doesn’t mean I have to condone everything. It doesn’t mean I have to justify and defend anything.

I can be wrong. I can make mistakes. I can learn and do better.

But I also get to love unconditionally.

It also doesn’t mean I have to love unconditionally. Or that I have to act in a particular way. Or that I have to appear loving. Or that I have to acknowledge this unconditional love.

Because that’s the trap of building up an image of myself to protect that I was referring to earlier.

What I mean is simply that I get to love unconditionally. Right now. In this fragile moment of vulnerability.

And that’s the danger of being myself; it’s so fragile. It’s completely ungraspable. And inimitable.

I don’t get to be anything other than this.

Sometimes my opinion of this is good. Sometimes bad.

But this is what I get to be right now.

If I am willing to be vulnerable and love unconditionally, I receive the gift of my imperfection.

If I am unwilling, then I suffering until I am willing.

Then, a miracle. The danger of being myself is that miracle.


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