I am ordinary.
This is a revelation after a lifetime of aspiring to be a superman – to transcend the ordinary.
I am habituated to delusion – believing in transcendence through self effort. If only I work hard enough, pray enough, meditate enough, do enough good, have enough faith, hope enough, sacrifice enough.
That habituation results in misery if I do not inquire honestly.
I am habituated to compare my deluded self-concept with my deluded concept of the perfected person. In other words, I compare what always falls short with what always is out of reach.
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The conclusion of that comparison is always that my self-concept is lacking. Thus, the conclusion is that I must work harder, do more, etc.
But that conclusion is not fully truthful.
Underneath that comparison is the discomfort and terror of being myself. The comparison – the striving – is a game with the futile aim of avoiding or getting rid of the discomfort and terror of being myself.
The logic is that if I can become the perfect person, I will be rid of the unwanted feeling.
Telling the truth does not make me feel better.
The discomfort and terror of being myself remains. In fact, it comes more into focus. The discomfort intensifies, if anything.
But it does offer a strange relief.
The relief is from trying to be something else. Trying to transcend. Trying to grasp. Trying to become. Trying to attain.
What I’m talking about is not resignation – though it shares some similarities with resignation.
It is simply that telling the truth reveals that the feeling cannot be avoided. Not even a superman could avoid it.
And whatever I thought the feeling was and whatever I thought it would do…I didn’t actually know. It was just a story I used unwittingly to keep the cycle of misery churning.
There is no superman. There only is, only was, and only could be what I am.